getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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