when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
