it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
