Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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