she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
