we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
