I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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