i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize