I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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