saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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