She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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