Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
