the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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