we have officially lost it.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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