He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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