If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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