Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
