Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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