Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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