saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
