she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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