just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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