I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
