That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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