Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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