i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
