My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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