He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
