i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
