I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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