He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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