I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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