My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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