The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
