You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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