So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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