If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
