i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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