New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
