First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
