I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This baby is an asshole
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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