Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think i scared a bird with my dick
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
