yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
