i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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