There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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