I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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