when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
well you can't waste a boner
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
