so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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