umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
