I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
