I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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