just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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