We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize