I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
