Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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