I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
