we're blogging at a bar
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
