life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
